Part 3: Friends With No Benefits Robby
I should have seen it coming with Robby. I should have suspected that a man couldn't possibly be that nice to me without ulterior motives - but at the time, I was in a long term relationship and then later married to the Ex. Robby knew about the Ex of course; there had been full disclosure. I had always been clear that he was a friend and nothing more. I don't make it a goal to lead men on; I derive no satisfaction from toying with hearts.
This isn't to say that I didn't cherish Robby. We always had what I affectionately dubbed "Ar&R" time - adventures around the city where we'd go to the opera, attend a gallery opening, grab ice cream together. We had an easy going chemistry where dinners together were marked by non-stop chatter and peals of laughter. We often strategized over his love life - here was a fellow who was sweet and intelligent and kind beyond compare and he was single? It seemed like he was completely incapable of catching a break when it came to girls.
Who knew that I would soon be counted among this crowd.
Perhaps I had underestimated a person's ability to hope. Perhaps I had underestimated the temptation of unrequited love. Perhaps I had underestimated how tenacious these unresolved issues can be. All I know is that a month after the Ex and I announced the Big D, Robby came over one night with sushi and a movie. Like all of our dinners, it was amusing, enlightening and entertaining. Robby was a solid presence in my life who provided thoughtful and sensitive words whenever the world spun out of control from beneath my feet.
Robby was telling me about his current girlfriend. They had been serious for quite a few months and in two months time, she would be moving to town and moving in with him. They had been quarreling lately and it had him worried; Robby always knew that if she moved in with him, he would marry her - whether out of some sense of nobility, duty or guilt that he had caused a girl to uproot and move 1000 miles to be with him - I'm not sure. We attacked the problem from various angles: were they fighting because of the upcoming stress of the move? Were they fighting because she had just quit her job in anticipation of the move? Were they fighting because Robby was overwhelmed at work? We nitpicked at the words exchanged and the sentiments behind them.
Towards the end of the evening, Robby broached the subject in a different manner. "I think..." he said slowly, "I think we've been fighting more since you said you and the Ex were breaking up."
My eyebrows shot up incredulously. "Really..." I looked at him warily. "Why's that?" The Divorce was still so fresh in my mind along with all the stigma attached to it that I was sensitive to being blamed for other couples' woes. After all, I had read that study that said that friends of a couple going through a divorce are more likely themselves to go through a divorce. I felt like my divorce was this pink elephant in the room, stomping petulantly on everyone's daisy fairytales.
Robby seemed to struggle with himself temporarily. I could see the conflict flit across his face but he soldiered on. "Because I think subconsciously I'm trying to sabotage the relationship." He faltered and that slow creeping feeling of dread started working its way up from the pit of my stomach. "When you married the Ex, I thought that was the end of my chances. When you told me that you were going to stay with him despite the problems, I decided that I couldn't wait around anymore so that's when I went out and started dating seriously. That's when I met Annie. And now...now I don't know..."
He looked at me like I had answers, instead of just staring at him, dumbstruck and dumbfounded as the dread crawled into my throat. Robby plowed on, "I've loved you since I met you. You have always been the number one girl in my life." My mouth was dry and my tongue was numb. He added passionately, the coup de grace, "You're perfect to me. I know I could offer you everything those other guys did and more. I'm better at everything they can do. I could make you happy."
There was that unspoken question in the air. I heard it. I felt it. It was thick between us, as it hovered over the half-eaten meal and the chopsticks poised mid-air. The dread was heavy on my brain. It didn't seem quite real, as I answered him. I almost stepped outside my body; I sounded rehearsed. "I'm sorry...I just...don't feel that way about you." So cliched. He had just poured his heart out to me, left it a quivering bloody mess next to the sashimi, and all I could give him was this line.
A part of me desperately wished that I could feel that way about him - after all, we did get along fabulously and he fit the laundry of list of what makes a good partner, mate, spouse. But something was missing - something that I yearned and searched for almost to the extent of overlooking otherwise glaring flaws. That spark, that click, that intangible that I sought in a lover. It's not something that can be cultivated or groomed or developed. It's a lightning strike or it's not. My breath didn't catch when he looked at me. My cheeks didn't flush when he flashed me a coy smile. There was no surge of feeling when he was near. There were no butterflies; there weren't even caterpillars.
Robby nodded slowly, his face a carefully constructed calm disappointment. "I know. And you can't change how you feel. You just do." Even after I'd struck the fatal blow, he was as understanding as ever. "I'm sorry I turned into another one of your friends who fell for you but...you have this way - Artemis, men can't help but fall in love with you. You're too nice and it's going to get you in a lot more trouble in the future."
Robby stood, "I have to do something...and I'm sorry, but if I can't be with you, then I can't talk to you anymore. I have to focus on my relationship with Annie and I can't, if you're in my life."
Ever had a friend break up with you? How do you respond to that? There's no guidebook so I did my best to navigate these unusual, murky waters. "I understand. And I want you to know that if you ever decide you want to talk to me again, I'll be here. And...and...I won't even make it difficult or awkward for you. You know I'm good at that!" I somehow thought that by making it easier to come back to me, he wouldn't leave in the first place.
Robby's lips quirked into a smile, a half of one, and the corners of his eyes crinkled up. "No, I want you to make it hard for me. I don't deserve to be completely forgiven for what I'm doing. No real friend would do this."
He left the apartment then and I watched him leave. What do you say? Have a nice life? He left me contemplating what had just happened, over smushed wasabi and spilled soy sauce.
Did it hurt? It did. In the stream of abandonment I was going through in those few short weeks, this was another. Did I understand? I completely did so I could not begrudge him his actions. Did I hope he'd come around soon? Of course I did - but it has been over a year since and the only time I heard from him was a short and sweet text sent to me on my birthday. It has been effective radio silence.
But beyond that, what he had said about men falling in love with me haunted me. Had I brought all this upon myself? Could I save myself headaches and heartaches in the future if I was just colder and quieter? Could I protect all those hapless enough to encounter me by never responding to texts or emails or Facebook pokes?
But was it my responsibility to do all this? It took me days of mulling this over before the thought that I had to change who I was in order to save others from themselves made me bristle. I am who I am and I am a friendly, warm, generous, patient and effusive person. To be anything or anyone else would be denying myself and I would be cheating all those who would get to know me in the future from knowing the real me. How is that better than lying, even if the intentions were noble?
So I remained friendly, warm, generous, patient and effusive and yes it's gotten me into trouble since his dire warnings but it's worth it for knowing I can be myself and knowing I can deal with the consequences - the good, the bad and the ugly ones.
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