Once Bitten, Forever Shy

 Part 1: This Too, Shall Pass

One of the most important life's lesson that I learned last year was that human relationships - whether it be of a marital, romantic, sexual, friendly, affectionate or professional nature - are fragile. Temporary. Frail. Evanescent. Quite frankly, I'm a little surprised it took me this long to learn this invaluable lesson but maybe it's not because I'm slow but because life has been kind to me.

I generally don't bemoan the loss of a relationship through natural drift.  We cannot remain in touch with everybody we have met over our years on this Earth and as easy as Facebook has made it to be 'friends' with people, you have your "friends" and you have your friends.  People need shared space, shared time, shared interest in order to stay friends; you take away these key elements and it becomes exceedingly difficult to maintain that bond.

No - this past year was the year where I lost relationships through intentional severance. After such a loss, I think it's natural to want answers and whether they are real or contrived, it doesn't matter.  My knee-jerk response was to place the blame squarely on me; after all, I was the centre of this maelstrom.  I was the lynch pin. I was the only common denominator.  I lost several of my best friends in one fell year because I was a bad person. I was one reason on my laundry list of reasons why I wanted to kill myself: I was a terrible person and I didn't deserve to live.

Eight months of therapy later and I'm finally starting to see things in a different light.   Will it bring these people back to me? No.  Will it help me maintain relationships in the future? Not at all.  Will it help me cope with being a human, moving in human circles? Yes, probably.

It was a lesson in how fleeting everything human truly is.  To wish for eternity is a fool's game; it's grasping at straws that do not even exist.  Any pithy or cliched beliefs about true love being forever, about BFFs, about blood being thicker than water - it's a salve we apply because we're afraid of being alone.  It's a religion that is nearly universal.  Well - it's a religious doctrine with which I no longer agree and I'm going to explain why. Not because I have to justify myself to anybody (thanks, therapy!) but because writing it out makes it more real for me.


Besides, why should I feel the need to pander to you? You won't be here in a year's time anyway!