I grew up in a small, socially conservative but economically left wing small town. It was a town that was big enough to aspire to be a metropolis but small enough to not matter. It was a good upbringing - the people were kind, the neighbourhoods were safe, the streets quiet and the pace leisurely. I learned and could appreciate ridiculous 'country' girl things, like how to bait my own hook when fishing, how to cook over an open fire, and what to do if you see a bear on your property. Living 'up north' squashed any squeamishness I might have had about bugs, dirt, foul weather, blood, guts and death - I dare anybody to call me prissy.
Growing up in such a small town means, on the other hand, that there is a fairly narrow way of life. Things are just done a certain way; differences are not celebrated but are threatening to the fabric of that society. It's a subtle pressure to confirm but it's there and it wasn't until I had moved out that I realized how much I had shaped my life to fit into a mold that would have ultimately made me unhappy. Where I'm from, you went to school, married your sweetheart, got a job that paid okay even if it was completely unrelated to what you studied or were passionate about, got married, bought a house and a car, had kids... It's a beautiful, suburban existence.
It's not for me.
Many of my struggles in the past year has been coming to grips with this. I thought I was defective, because I wasn't sure if I wanted children; I thought I was selfish because I had career goals. Going 'home' during the holidays was incredibly hard for me because I didn't feel like I belong there. People thought I was abandoning the northern way of life, that I was selling out, that I was a big city snob, that I was material and superficial. They made me feel like I was making all the wrong decisions and when was I going to smarten up and move back 'home'?
My home is in my new, adopted city. It's a place I CHOOSE to be in. Before, I felt like a puzzle piece that didn't fit with the other pieces and I had a choice of either being discarded or being rammed into place whether I liked it or not. Now I realized that I was just a puzzle piece that got mixed up and was in the wrong box. Now, I'm a radio that has found the strongest frequency; I'm the needle in the groove of the record. I flow with traffic and I don't fight the current.
I like the hustle and bustle of the city. I like the sirens at 2 in the morning. I like the lights and the noise and the fast pace. I like the options that a city like this gives me - it is the world, quite literally, at my doorsteps. Every weekend I can do anything I want. Jazz show? Rock concert? Experimental Japanese cuisine? Indian fusion? Spanish tapas? It's all here. For a person who craves 'newness' and 'experiences' and 'checking things off the bucket list' as much as I do - this city is a godsend.
Most importantly, I like the multitudes of world views. Suddenly, I'm not aberrant and there are dozens if not hundreds of strong independent men and women who share my worldviews. If they don't share my worldviews, then they understand and support it. And if they don't, it's all right because I have millions of other souls just waiting to connect with me. At 28, I feel like I'm finally coming into my own and that I am finally 100% me.
I didn't just blossom when I came here - I was reborn.
Congrats Artemis! I know the feeling. I felt the same way while living in the big city before deciding that it wasn't for me. At that time, it was. Everyone just assumed I was coming home, and even though I did eventually come home - it was my choice and I did it when I was ready.
ReplyDeleteI like your metaphors! Life is about doing what's right for you, when you're ready. And you'll know when you're ready - your mind and body screams it! Over the years I've learned to trust my inner voice when it tells me: "You've learned all you can from this place, time to move on; time to change."
On the weekend I went to a conference - the thing I really took away from it was "Who do I listen to?" and how does that influence how I live. Do I listen to a friends constant criticism? Or a supportive family member? Why do i listen to them? How can I change to listen to more positive voices? Something that made me think about who I listen to in my life... there are some negative voices that I need to guard against, but then I smiled when I thought of people like you who are in my life - that bring much positivity and encouragement. :) Thank you!